TW: Abuse, sexual assault, gaslighting
This has been a year of growth for me, so I'm filling in the blanks on stories that I've told, but never elaborating on. Facebook took the liberty of reminding me that I drove down to Medford to meet Germain Zepeda, aka Lirael Lockheart, three years ago today. It's got me hankering to lance a festering soul wound.
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THREE YEARS AGO...
Three years ago today, I had just driven the farthest I've ever been by myself to meet the man I convinced myself would solve all my hurt. I can still hear him berating me for being scared because he had done the same thing, only he had driven farther.
Three years ago today, I pulled decks of cards, notebooks, and other distractions out of my purse. Perfect icebreakers for a first night of getting to know someone. I can still hear him laughing at me for being "so innocent and naive".
Three years ago today, I told him to keep his hands above the belt because we'd just met in person and I wasn't ready for that. I can still feel his hands disobeying my explicit request. I can hear his dismissive "well, that rule didn't last long" after he decided we were done and it was time to sleep.
Three years ago today, I convinced myself what happened was okay because he cared about me. I mean, he drove across three states to see me. That proved he cared, didn't it? I never saw anything butt that room. I was never asked for permission. I can still hear his "hurt" voice saying he felt unwanted and undesirable because I hadn't touched him back.
Three years ago today, I was swept into the maelstrom. I was thrown off kilter and never allowed to step foot back on solid ground until my senses were too brutalized to recognize true safety. I can still feel the fear, the chaos, the turmoil, the violation. I still think sometimes "why do I have a target on my back? Why me?"
