Today is the day.
It's officially been one whole year since I was sexually assaulted.
It's weird. It doesn't feel like it was that long ago. I don't feel like I've retreated into my shell like a hermit crab, hiding away from the rest of the world and any new and exciting opportunities it may have, for one whole rotation of the Earth.
And yet...
When that night happened to me, when the people I trusted as some of my best friends betrayed and used me, I was shaken down to my core. I was broken. I was terribly, horribly afraid to exist in this world.
I couldn't do so many of the things that I loved because I was afraid of running into Anthony. I nearly refused to go over to the other side of town because he lived over there and just being in the area would set my heart racing and have me constantly looking over my shoulder, afraid of a chance encounter.
Most of the people that I knew and associated with when I was still friends with Anthony are not really a part of my life anymore. All of these people still seem to associate with him. And there are some who probably have heard his version of the story. The twisted, "faerietale" version where he isn't to blame for his actions and that I'm being unreasonable for not speaking to him ever again.
I have some things to say to those people, whom I will address by partial name:
Woodward: How would you feel if the entire situation was reversed? What would be going through your head if Katie had been the one assaulted and Peter and I continued to associate with Anthony? How would you deal with the fact that we LIED to you and said we would never talk to him again, all the while being the lackadaisical friend behind your back? What story did he tell you? What words made it okay? Was it easier for you to accept this scumbag back into your life than it was to cut him out of it? It's tough NOT to feel utterly betrayed.
Riki: I'm glad you are away from him now. I'm glad that you can be happy with someone else. It bothers me that you didn't come to this conclusion sooner. I think sometimes that maybe the two of us could still be friends, but I can't bring myself to bridge that gap because you trusted him so deeply and so steadfastly, that you couldn't just walk away. I know you think he was your salvation and your only option at the time, but he wasn't. Had you walked away from the entire thing, I would have been there to help you out until you could hold your own. You weren't alone. Instead, you ran. You abandoned your job, abandoned your friends. Because of that, I cannot get passed the possibility that somehow you were involved in the whole ordeal. And that sickens me.
It's been a full year. I spend my time hiding at home, engrossed in my video games because they are an escape from the real world. In my MMOs, I have just as much advantage as anyone else. No one that I interact with, no one that I make friends with, will ever be able to get any closer than I let them. They will never have any power over me. Most of them only know my voice, not my name. They know my character, not me. These people, these friendships, are safe. They are founded in a virtual world, and they will stay in a virtual world.
I'm a recluse now. My therapist describes me as an introvert. I've been an extrovert my entire life.
Some nights I still wake up in tears from strange, disconnected nightmares about Anthony and what happened to me. But, those nights are fewer and farther between.
I'm less concerned with looking over my shoulder when I'm on his side of town.
Although, if I did run into him, I can't guarantee that my heart wouldn't race. I can't guarantee that I wouldn't break down into uncontrollable tears and hyperventilation. I don't know what my reaction would be. I try not to think about it because it does me no good to dwell on something that doesn't affect my life anymore.
I can look back on the situation, one year removed, and be reflective, rather than afraid.
I can enjoy time with my boyfriend and not have to worry that some word or phrase will trigger panic.
I can talk about this incident with people other than those I hold most dear.
I am stronger.
That is remarkable progress for a year.
